As I am writing this, I am currently brainstorming on writing an article – well, a short autobiography about someone that I do not personally know and am forced to write. Oh no, I’m still doing my pupillage (can also read as: law). You know I wish I could venture into the beautiful world of writing. Yet here I am, at writer’s block. Do I even need to continue talking about my so-called ‘dreams’?
Moving on. I came here because I have a few thoughts in mind. As I progress in (more like, ‘move toward’. Progress? Pfft. Who are we kidding?) life, I now understand that the decisions we make from here on out can no longer be on an emotional basis. To put it easily, we’ve all matured. We can think for ourselves with the benefit of understanding what would a third party – another adult would think. Do you understand, reader?
But still people are selfish. People are still pretty stupid. I have my wrongs too, reader but when I see other people do wrong, and I always do, I hate to tell them that they are. I could, in fact, I have, but point is I will not tell you how to live your life, because you can think for yourself. You’re an adult. My own life is in shambles as we know it. But here it is kids, the hardest part of adulting is this: decisions, decisions.
So what I mean to say is, don’t fall into that dark pit. The next course of your life is your own. Now, I’m the suckiest motivator I know (I’ve fallen in dark pits all the time) but I can say for sure that you’re doing no one any good if at this juncture, you still make stupid decisions. Right?
I wish time could stop for me. It sounds selfish, reader but I’m desperate. My cry for help has worn out, I don’t want to worry those around me anymore. I don’t want anyone to get fed up with me and my problems. So who do I yell to? An empty space. The clock. “Just stop!”
Because in the mornings I experience an anxiety attack. I fear for life. It’s the craziest thing ever, because I’m only going to work. But I see it as a place that wants to taunt me. It beckons me to come over just so that it could hurt me and when I’m inside, I’m submerged in hopelessness and insecurities. No one is yelling at me except for the voice inside my head. Nobody’s is telling me off except for my damn stupid self. I want out.
Please, somebody, I’m begging you. Tell me that it’s ok to leave.
I wake up to the sound of my own heartbeat. In my mind it’s so loud and the fact is, it is, it’s beating so fast and I feel so scared. It’s not that I had a nightmare. I sleep well. It’s just… I wake up to this sinking feeling where I’m being sucked into a vortex of icky, negative feelings and it hurts but I wake up anyway because I have to, I have to get up and go to that dreadful place called “my workplace.”
And my shoulders are slumped and my back is hunched because I’m trying to clutch onto dear life while the pain is consuming me. I feel terrified every morning. I pray, I call my mom but the feeling doesn’t go numb. It scares me even more. It has reached a point where I don’t want to wake up alone.
And this is only the part where I wake up. The rest of the day… the rest of the day I feel like (figuratively) taking a knife to stab my heart just so that the feeling would go away.
To the place where I grew so remorseful towards everyone and everything. To the place where I learnt that people are capable of unveiling more than 1 mask. To the place that taught me that being mediocre does no one any good (despite the fact that you are satisfied with what you have). Go big or go home, they say. That whatever you do, people will try to bring you down anyway.
All because you’re just being you.
And I always believed how I’m always at fault. That I don’t deserve to be liked because I’m not allowed to be me. Me sucks.
But reader, this isn’t a cry for help. Heck, I’ve left all that behind me now. I grew past people’s resentment and in turn I built a wall so thick, I just stopped listening to these “voices”.
However, deep down is a girl who tries to peek over the wall, wondering… “Did I do it right this time? Do people accept me now?”
All the while neglecting to realise that beside me is a friend who always believed in me when I drowned myself in doubt. There wasn’t just a friend, there was a whole bunch of people who were there, will always be and as will I, for them.
So I said goodbye to the hateful life I lived these past 4 years. At the same time I had to say goodbye to the lovely people I fell accustomed to, to the people I hold dear. Because of them, law school was bearable. Because of them my uni life was colourful. Because of them, I can look back and say that the best time of life lay here, in uni, with these beautiful souls.
Well, unemployment begins…now!
I felt something when I went back to my favorite bookstore. What a nice feeling it was.
I’m trying to make myself write more. I think I should be. Well, I’ve been Twitter-free for 5 months now and not having a place to pour out my idiotic ideas or absurd musings can be really torementing.
GoT season 7 came out. Watched it immediately. Loved it. Studied. Hung out. Pretty much exactly what I do every damn day. I am a creature of habit after all.
My last paper is in 2 days and it’s… goodbye law school (minus the fact that I still have my mock trial on the 22nd). It’s sad to think about, but the day was bound to come eh?
The last time I thought I was serious about this blogging thing felt like decades ago. But of course we are never true to our conceited self. I mean, here I am again suddenly having the urge to write when I was sure I was past the whole ‘write your feelings out’ thing. It was the hype at one point, you can’t entirely blame me. We have the whole universe and its skeptic self for that.
I thought I’d write about you. I promised I would. And because you’re asleep and I miss you already… I was twice the brat I am to you today (hormonal imbalance, I blame) and I’m sorry. You’re the most amazing person I’ve met yet I go all crazy girlfriend on you and you… you continue to be amazing to me.
I told you how petrifying it was for me when you forget to reply my texts (although I KNOW you’re busy brewing coffee and you come home late and you eventually wake up at noon and you’re crazy tired and you’re not the ‘hog the phone all day errday’ person- he still uses a BB.)
I said “go do whatever you want!”
Then I do that thing where I acknowledge all my wrongs, tell you I am not perfect and that I am terrible, just really terrible.
I just get crazy!
Whereas I flare my ego in my self-made arguments, deep down are the cries of a wimp who’s afraid you’d get mad and just lose it.
And as many as however-many times it has happened, never once did you ever get furious with me.
I mean it, never once.
Instead, you accept my crazy impeccable self, shove my insecurities out the window and give my wrongs a big tight hug by telling me that despite so, you love every bit of it.
And I just can’t help but smile like an idiot every time. And I love you for that.
Crazy. Just crazy. I had thought that past semesters had already gotten me on a Bohemian wayward but little did I know, hell was just about to greet me at the door.
Because, reader, I am bombarded with countless stacks of workload (read: I have a presentation EVERY WEEK for my Media & Law class, proposal for my Final Year Project to be done, I have the WORST English lecturer ever and I have moots to get ready for) and this is only the beginning of it. I am not used to doing work and being responsible so this is kinda a lil bit hefty for me. My fault. Oh well. Just gone have to live with it, right?
I have 2 more years to go. So till then, I’ll see you at the other size of this paradox.
that was a line from MKTO’s Classic, should you know.
Now, this post is an update of my life [which shall be numerically divided into the mistakes that I’ve done (labeled #M1) and the greater happenings (#H1).]
Reader, I understand if you’ve all thought that I died. I’ve gone MIA way too long, longer than what my mental cap had planned. I have, actually just finished my third semester of Law School (woots). I would be heaving sighs of jubilance of yet another go at a goddam hectic semester if it wasn’t for a deep, cold shrill that constantly goes down my spine reminding me that I am probably going to flunk a paper or two. And you might be thinking that I’m just saying that but o-kay, honestly, I might flunk this one particular paper. Cuz I screwed up reader, I screwed it up. So that’s #M1.
Moot club. This semester I actually (emphasise on ‘actually’ because, like, REALLY) mooted for Lawyers vs. Mooters and the name should imply what’d be about so there you go reader. Pat me on the back, please #H1.
This semester too, I’ve made new friends and I never thought that life was to bring me to such wonderful people and honestly, after I’ve spent a certain amount of time around a couple of people, I understand now that you know a person better when you’ve actually gotten to know them and some people are just real phonies. And this is not a mistake, this is a blessing, #H2.
Friendships, are kinda like variables. Subject to change and constant shifting. True, but I always hung by the saying “never forget what we’ve been through, together.” But some variables forget, and in turn shift onto another variable. Some variables do it out of circumstance, thinking some have shifted into different kaleidoscopic movements. But little did they know, they shifted first, and the originating elements have tried to emulsify again, but hostility works at it’s best to sit in between some variables.
Did that even make sense reader?
Well, ultimately, #M2.
My brother and his wife had a baby. So that’s another nephew in my life as an Aunt, #H3.
Me and… I hate the word my boyfriend. I always thought that people who say it have their life cosmically defined in vanity. So I’m gonna call him A, instead. For your liking reader, I wouldn’t want you to be grossed out too. So me and A, we’ve gone through our rough patches and realised that this is it, we’re in love with each other just like the very first day and we’ve never been in a happier place. Now A deserves an appreciation post all by himself so I’ll spare the details of my love life later #H4.
I bag-rolled in Melaka post-final exams! It was a helluva lot of an adventure… There were some blundering flaws to it, ultimately making it a misadventure (#M3) which, I’ll just leave it there. Great fun we had though (the fun topped it so, #H5!) The food, excusez-moi, was DIVINE.
I’ve never felt a loss that involves death. And it is horrifying as it is sick. And the revelation of it all is too absurd, to allow it to fully sink in without drowning in tears weakens the hell out of me. Evidently, I am hurt. She was only a kitten, 3 months old. But she was more than that, my companion through the day, my sleeping partner at night and I loved her so much. We were apart and I wasn’t there… I am so sorry I wasn’t there to save you.
I had a cat back when I was 5, called her Fluffy because God she was one fluffy Persian. Kathy (her name) was the next pet I ever had, probably will ever have for the time being. I’m a feline-lover but couldn’t own another one after Fluffy. Kathy came into my life and this time around, she felt like a miracle to own. And now the void to fill is too much.
I don’t hate the person who ran over Kathy but a part of me wants to beat the bollocks out of this person.
Acceptance is a slow walk, but we all get there eventually, right?